Last one for now - Monster in my head...

This following story is written from experience...

There is a monster in my head.

I am not ashamed to say, it beat me. It must have been there for a while, hibernating.
Then one day it reared its ugly head.

What does my monster look like?

It's a giant elastic band ball. It has arms and legs. It runs from side to side in my head, taunting me.
The monster took me away. IT took me right to the bottom. It stripped me of my clothes, my skin and my life.
It made me retreat into my shell.

At the begining of this journey i was a tortioise. Retreating into my shell when things were tough. Now i something else.
I dont quite know what i a, but im not that tortioise. i WONT be that tortioise.

There is no shame in admitting what that monster did to me.
Shaking, Tremoring inside, feeling sick/dizzy, how fast could my heart beat? Apparantly not fast enough! Flushes, headaches and heartburn. & these are just the physical symptoms!
What about what goes on upstairs?
People ask you to snap out of it, tell you to cheer up and stop thinking of it, but im sorry, it isnt that easy. If it was, no one would ever suffer with it.
At times, that monster is is a lot stronger than me, not all the time, but at times.

What runs through my head you ask? What doesn't!!!

Imagine i gave you 3 concrete slabs, and asked you to place one on your head, and one on each shoulder. Welcome to walking around with anxiety.

I have tablets, i have paper bags, i have water. I HAVE PROBLEMS.
I can see a panic attack through, I can meditate when i feel calm, or sometimes even when im stressed, i can see that through.

What hurts the most and is so hard, is the thoughts and images. I know they are ridicoulous, but the monester must like them. He's found a friend up there!!

Fear breeds fear. Sounds stupid doesnt it? Don't be scared, a panic attack can't harm you.

No it can't. Well at least not physically. It F***ing kills mentally!
"am i going mad? Am i the only one? Can people tell? Am i going to die/be sick/pass out/stop breathing? NO.
But yet the thoughts continue to grow, branching out like a tree. It's a viscious circle,  and not a nice one!
But you know what?
somewhere in the outer edge of that circle is a door. You will find it one day. No-one can tell you how long it will take for you to find it, but eventually you will find that door and exit that circle.
Next time you feel you would rather be gone than live like this, look for that door. You might not see it clearly, but there will be evidence of it, and it's there somewhere.

What i fond extremley difficult was that i wasnt who i was suppose to be anymore. I was supposed to be strong, helpful, would do anything for anyone. That was me, a people pleaser.
But why?? Who says i HAD to be strong, i HAD to be helpful. no-one. It's the way i was made. there is no supposed to be this and supposed to be that. You are who you are. But what i realise now, is that i actually matter, i have a purpose. I understand it upsets those near me, and is hard for some to understand, but maybe this will help.

As i said at the begining, i am not ashamed. In fact, quite the opposite. I feel lucky.
how silly is that?
But i do. I feel lucky that i have been to rock bottom. I now know you cant always put on a face, and there is no shame in asking for help. But yes. Im lucky.

Going to rock bottom means the only way is up. You can't get any further down so there is only one way back.
I'm actually glad i didnt stay in the middle. I have experienced the sheer exhilrating highs of life, and the down right awful lows. But i wouldnt change it. I can now appreciate things a lot more.
I am thankful anxiety came, as it has given e a 2nd chance, and a chance to rebuild myself from scratch.
By no means is this going to be easy, it will be incredibly hard, with setbacks - but so what?
I've taken what that monsters thrown at me so far, and come through it.

Yes i a completley broken. I am a broken young woman. But so what? Crisis' and breakdowns arent just for mid-life!
As i said, i can rebuild. It's the hardest battle i have ever fought, but im still fighting. Theres a lion in me somewhere, and when he comes out, that monster better watch himself!

Im stronger than that monster. He might have taken precious weeks and months of my past and present, but he isn't getting my future, becuase i have hold of that. And my grip is stronger than his.

When i look to the future, i see a long road, with lots of bumps, lots of roads off it and lots of tunnels.
But it doesnt matter how fast i go over the bumps, which roads i take, or how many tunnels i go through.
Because at the end of that road, is;

ME.